Happy new year

Miscellanea #46: Reflections, lows of the 2010s, and more

When it comes to sharing stuff with the internet, we’re offered no less than infinity avenues. And so as 2019 has flown by without regard for the time-tag we’ve assigned it, I’ve grown aware of the need for less. But like many of us, I’ve remained on the same bus – on these same social avenues – taking in the day’s content, quickly forgetting that I can, actually, pull the cord and get off the bus.

E-mail feels different — a haven and escape from the instant and overloaded social internet. But I’m not here to thrash social media and sing the praises of e-mail. I’m here to share!

I've been thinking lots about projects and why I seem to have a hundred half-filled buckets (to take a phrase from photographer Jeff Phillips, who I recently watched give a great presentation on zines). Why do we get started on things and not finish them? There are as many reasons as there are buckets, I suppose, but I’d like to finish a project and share it with the world every once in a while...

In that spirit, here’s a zine a published with DNO this year, and here’s a small project I put together last month about my fascination with an obscure and rather normal photography collection I stumbled upon on Flickr. And in the spirit of year-end round-ups, here’s my Best of 2019 playlist (on Spotify, too).

And while we're on the subject of music, in 2019 I discovered the genius and joy of the music of S.E. Rogie and Labi Siffre. Do look them both up! Well worth your time and easy on your ears.

Reflecting on the decade

As the transition of 2019/20 marks the end of the decade, it feels natural to reflect on this ten year chunk that both flew by at times and dragged on at others. As the 2010’s began, I was an entirely different person. A person’s 20’s, I guess, are known for being transformative. But I could not have, in any stretch of my own imagination, predicted the transformation I would undergo. I was going to forgo the simple, on-the-surface transformations — from Christian to skeptic, the breakups and falling in love again, a big move, career changes, and a few years of therapy — in search of something deeper, but the complicated mess of my growing-up is succinctly summed up in these anecdotes. ‘We grow through what we go through.’

No doubt, the challenges thrown my way in the ‘10s have been harder than I would’ve hoped for — but I wouldn’t change a thing. Because of them, I am the person I hoped I’d be. It’s only recently, at 27, that I’ve started to see myself this way. Naturally hard on myself, I’ve always held myself emotionally accountable for the level of my integrity. But only as I’ve become less hard on myself have I discovered that my integrity is so tightly tied to my expectations for myself. Balancing realistic expectations and reasonable boundaries is key. Perhaps the most important thing I’ve learned this decade is that my relationship with myself is the relationship that balances the rest of them.

Love yourself. Be easy.

My Lows of the 2010s

Inspired by my partner, Mary — who is fearless and beautiful — I'm bucking the trend here in an effort to make room for empathy. I'll preface this by saying that the highs of this decade far surpass the lows. So while this is not a full picture of these years, hopefully these can be valuable to you and will foster some sense of togetherness. These are simply reference points; reminders that behind whatever facade you've seen on the internet or elsewhere, everyone has their struggles.

2010 — I spent the second half of the year in a cold and lonely freshman dorm, hardly making any new friends, and driving home every weekend for a relationship that was quickly fading out.
2011 — It faded out, and I faced my first real heartbreak.
2012–2015 — I lived in close Christian community that I allowed to foster in me a deep sense of shame. I responded inappropriately by turning inward and kept most of my issues to myself. They grew bigger, and I grew more unstable. These were the years I thought were the best ones, but they set me up for the following...
2016 — My unhealthy habits and weakening mental health led to worsening relationships. I hurt many people. And though I was engaged to be married, that got worse too. We called off the wedding, and I moved home and in with my parents. I felt abandoned by many people I felt were my closest friends.
2017 — I was very, very lonely, and working hard to be healthier. It was incredibly hard work, and in many ways I was the only one that could motivate myself to do it.
2018–2019 — While there were lows (the loneliness of my first solo apartment, the difficulties of restoring relationships, my dog getting hit by a car and the ensuing costly surgeries, etc), they weren't too bad in comparison to the years prior. Things do get better.

Signing off

In closing this issue of Miscellanea, I wanna open the floor to you. Feel free to share your own lows, highs, playlists, or half-filled buckets. And if there's something you'd like me to write about, please let me know! Prompts can be so nice and helpful.

Peace,
Michael